Hey, you wanna get married?
Let’s not and say we didn’t!

When you ask the person you love to spend the rest of their life with you, it should be a monumental occasion, a memorable moment that you will both recall for years to come, a story that you will want to tell over and over again as you journey down the long road to becoming wrinkly old prunes together!

In other words, it should not be LAME.

If you want your significant other to say “yes,” you need to avoid the proposal methods described below! Here’s how NOT to propose:

→  Over the phone

Hi, um, sweetheart, I really love you and I was just wondering if, uh, you would—
Hold on I’ve got another call let me put you on hold…

Proposing over the phone should be an obvious no-no. Think about it, you have no idea what your loved one will be doing when you decide to call him/her and pop the question. They could be shopping for bargain cat food at Walmart or picking their nose in the car. Gross. You need to propose face-to-face.

→  In an email, instant message or text


Texting has to be one of the absolute lamest ways of proposing! Not only is it incredibly impersonal, but there’s a chance your loved one might not even get the message, or they might think you’re making a bad joke, because seriously—who proposes marriage via texting?! Be prepared for your friends to laugh when you tell them why you got dumped. OMG ROFL!

→  By having your friend do it for you

Hey, Shannon, what’s up? Jake wants to know if you’ll join together with him in Holy Matrimony. What should I tell him?

Do you hear the recess bell ringing? No, you don’t, because guess what? You’re not in middle school anymore! Having a friend propose marriage for you is incredibly childish and shows that you don’t have the courage to do it yourself. The love of your life will be pissed off at you, say “no way,” and probably dump you. Then you’ll have to go cry in the corner.

→  At a Sports Stadium or Big Event

Proposing during a sports game is one of the most unoriginal ideas that you could come up with, but not only will you be pissing off your significant other, you will be pissing off a large crowd of people who aren’t interested in having their good time interrupted by your personal life.

Proposing in front of a large crowd is an especially bad idea if your significant other is uncomfortable in front of large crowds. But if you insist on it, there’s nothing like a crowd full of sweaty, smelly, swearing, drunken sports fans to say I wanna love you forever.

→  By putting the engagement ring into food or drink

Imagine how much your significant other will want to marry you after they break their front teeth on the engagement ring that you baked into a muffin. Sure, you thought it would be a cute surprise, and I’m sure it will be—a surprise, that is—though not a cute one. Or how about when you have to take them to the hospital because they swallowed the ring you dropped in their drink, or in their Frosty.  No one wants to marry a moron (Except maybe, another moron).

→  With a ring that you already tried to give to someone else

This is lazy and cheap. Just imagine how they’ll feel when they find out that you’re giving them a recycled ring. They will feel like they are second-hand too! They will say no to your lame attempt at “re-gifting,” because face it, no one wants recycled love.

→  After a fight

Honey, I’m sorry I called you a @#$%&! I really love you, I swear! Marry me?

Your engagement should not be marked by an unhappy event like a fight with your significant other. Plus, you obviously don’t even mean it. This is truly a bad way to apologize- it will backfire on you next time you have a fight and try to take it back!

→  When You’re Wasted

Baby, I fricken’ LOVE you, man, let’s get married? Come on, say yes! Hey everyone, we’re getting married! Woooooo! You wanna do some jello shots??

In your drunken stupor, you may suddenly think that it’s time for you to get married, but let me tell you, it’s not. Even if they say yes, they may say “no” later when everyone’s feeling a bit more lucid. Heck, you may even have to tell them you were “just kidding.” After they slap you in the face and tell you they want to “take a break,” you’ll be living the single life once more.

Do you have any bad proposal stories to share? If so, we’d love to hear from you!